Depending on where you are in the stages of grief, you may begin to process your previous conversations with others. In particular, you may ruminate on comments that you find troubling. You may think: as soon as time passes, his brother will apologize. Unfortunately, some people will never apologize to you. You are hurt and the lack of excuses can increase the pain. There are no words in the form of “I`m sorry.” You have to decide how to deal with it. First, the loss of my in-laws was in many ways greater than mine. I lost a husband, the boys lost their father, but they had lost a brother and a son. My boyfriend and I got engaged a few months ago. I was soon told that the apartment was for me and my late husband, not for me and my future husband.
On some level, I understood, but it was hard not to feel like part of the family anymore. My father-in-law had died shortly before, and I learned that it was my brother-in-law who was pushing to get me out. When I told him about it at a family reunion, he told me that I had lived too long from his family and that since my marriage to my late husband had only lasted 18 months and we had no children, I was not entitled to the apartment. I went there and cried all the way home. I had done nothing but take care of my late husband`s family and love him as my own. Eventually, a widower or widower may choose to remarry. If you are still in contact with your in-laws, do you invite them or ask for their blessing? That depends. If you truly consider your deceased spouse`s family to be your OWN family, you may want to have them there for your wedding, or at least you want to tell them you`re getting married again. They may get a little hurt when they hear about your remarriage, but if they see you as a daughter or son, then seeing you happy will also make them happy. Make sure that every decision you make is acceptable for your fiancé, because it`s also her day. There is an expression that says, “Sometimes a man and a woman have an understanding that no one else understands.” We understand that our relationship may not resemble your definition of love, but we do know that we have loved our husbands with every fiber of our being.
We often hear “she must not have loved him because she.. “. This is not the case; Far from it. Not a day goes by that we don`t want even an extra hour with our spouses. No action we will ever take, whether you agree or not, reflects the depth of that love. After a significant loss, you are a different person. A part of you is changed forever, and the emotional needs you have are also different. Depending on the state of your interpersonal relationships with family and friends before your loss, you may be surprised if you discover less supportive bonds. What must I do? Do I withdraw into myself, accept freshness and wait for them to come into contact? The daughter and second son are especially cool to me. The girl didn`t want to pose with us in our wedding photo. The son treats me as if I were practically a stranger.
The oldest boy loves me because I make him food. He is single. The opposite of showing love is when someone tries to manipulate you, your feelings and emotions. You may need to set boundaries with your in-laws who exhibit manipulative and controlling behavior towards you. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I can only imagine how difficult it must be – to want to support them without being arrogant. I contacted other widows to better understand this situation. Many felt “strong” enough to talk to their friends, but not their in-laws, because the in-laws were a reminder of their loss. As for the memorial, can you get information from your parents, their parents, etc.? Some widows mentioned that they only gave the information to a few people and then relied on them to spread the word. Others suggested texting instead of calling – it was much easier for them to text rather than talk.
Most importantly, everyone has asked you to continue contacting your SIL. Please do not take it personally. I know it`s hard for you too. Just give her space, contact her via SMS or email, and let her come when she feels ready. You`ve mentioned that you`re in contact with children, so maybe ask them how she`s doing from time to time so you don`t worry too much about them. Big hugs to you. After your spouse dies, it`s common for your family dynamic to change. These can be complex and difficult to maneuver when relationships with your in-laws begin to change. The death of your spouse changes your role in family dynamics.
You are no longer married, but widowed. Whether or not you are related to your in-laws after the death of your spouse can be a personal decision rather than a legal one. Technically, your in-laws are no longer in-laws after your spouse dies. Your spouse`s family becomes your former in-laws. In my situation, with two young children who would eventually not remember their father, there was no choice. Mark`s family must always be our family. Not just because I liked them and the guys liked them, but because they loved Mark and could share his life with the boys. Family dynamics almost always reorganize after the death of a spouse.
The roles your in-laws continue to play in your life depend on several factors. Some things that can affect these relationships include the length of the marriage, how close your relationship is to the family, and the cause of your spouse`s death. My husband`s first wife died 5 years ago. They had 3 children. His family is very close. His mother and sister were strongly opposed to him marrying me. They are feminists; I`m not. They hoped he would marry someone with money; I am disabled. They did their best to break us up, but our relationship survived. We waited longer to get married, which we preferred to make her children and their family happy, but they were not happy.
My husband passed away suddenly 2 years ago. My relationship with his father was good until I left our house to seek a fresh start. Although I`m at a point in my grief where it`s not “raw,” I`m not so far away that I don`t remember the words spoken by my loved ones that helped me treat my pain. This particular group includes my in-laws, especially my husband`s mother and sister. Despite losing such an important family member, they decided to stretch out their arms and take me back to a healthy place. I don`t approve of this decision to include it against your instincts – I`m just presenting it as an option. It`s not “terrible” that you don`t want your in-laws to be there, so make all the decisions you need to make to get through this difficult time. My condolences.
One of my favorite authors and solo mothers, Anne Lamott, writes in her book Help, Thanks, Wow (Riverhead Books, 2012): “Domestic pain can be burning, and that`s usually what makes us. It is almost indigestible; death, divorce, old age, drugs; Brain-damaged children, violence, senility, infidelity. Good luck finding out. It unfolds, and you experience it, and it`s so horrible and endless that you could give up nearly a dozen times. But grace can be the experience of a second wind when what you want is clarity and determination, what you get, perseverance and sharpness, and the strength to persevere. “We have all lost the same person, but we realize that they have played a different role in each of our lives. We respect the fact that he was your son/brother, so please return the favor by accepting the fact that he was our husband and father of our children. In addition to mourning the loss of a spouse, we are overwhelmed as we help our children cope with their loss while managing a household, managing financial matters, and juggling a work schedule.
Recognizing the extent of our loss does not lessen your pain. Your in-laws may no longer be your parents, but the family of your deceased spouse, the grandparents of your children, aunts, uncles, etc. We have been married for 2 years. My husband still attends his late wife`s family gatherings because he was considered part of his family for 36 years and watched his nieces and nephews grow up and was good friends with his in-laws. I go with him because he wants to, but I don`t feel like I belong. His late wife`s father wants me to come. He says I`m part of the family (and that`s because he loves my husband), but others don`t feel the same way about me, I`m sure. These grandchildren.
Nieces and nephews. They are injured. They don`t understand why their father`s death also meant the loss of cousins and other family members. If you love your son/siblings and want to honor his memory, cherish his children. We may not see at eye level, but we don`t punish our children. They are already traumatized and family withdrawal only adds to this pain. As one widow pointed out, “I regret that my son never had as much time as the rest of us. I want my in-laws to see what [my husband] left behind and open their eyes to what they are missing.